Courage to Thrive

How many of us really ever focus? Focus on the task at hand? Perhaps focus our energies to accomplish a profound goal? So much of life is just getting through. Survive the day’s tasks and challenges. We spend enormous amounts of energy attempting to make ourselves comfortable. We struggle to decide what to eat, what to wear, where to go.  We do battle on the freeway to find the perfect lane, we switch channels on the radio every 2 minutes in a vain attempt to find the best song or talk show that reflects only our values. Why must we get home at the end of the day feeling like we have just barely survived another day. We live at the edge of disaster and survival. When do we get to shine?

Last night I had the supreme pleasure of seeing Jake Shimabukuro, master Ukulele player, live at the Canyon Club. He played to a packed crowd, standing room only. Just Jake, and his beautiful Ukulele. I couldn’t help but be amazed that with just four strings, he could captivate a huge audience. An audience waiting to be amazed. He held the audience spellbound with his unique interpretations of originals and cover songs. We were witness to a human thriving right before our eyes. His gift to us, a sonic journey as the music moved us emotionally. I couldn’t help but notice, that the music moved him too. If you have never heard of him or his music, click this youtube link right now. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=puSkP3uym5k I will wait for you to return.

(whistling softly to self) Oh you are back?  Good.  Can you believe how good this guy is?

It was a perfect demonstration of focus. During the concert, Jake would banter and story tell between each song, but as he began to play he would take a deep breathe, eyes closed, and enter the zone just as his fingers began their magic dance. Like a samurai drawing his sword with deliberate swiftness, like a potter concentrating on the emerging vase at his wheel, like a basketball player shooting his perfect three pointer, he applied his entire focus to the task at hand.

I make the case, that in order to move beyond just surviving, we must have the courage to thrive.  The courage to engage in the effort it takes to become brilliant at something. To find a purpose to our existence, beyond mere survival. We may never rise to the amazing levels of admired musicians, athletes, martial artists, poets, or captains of industry. However, we must engage our lives with the attempt to be amazing. Perfection is unattainable, but in the pursuit we find meaning.

Marianne Williamson in her poem, “A Return to Love,” challenges us with these words.

” …who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine…”

We all have talent. Talents that get rusty from misuse. Our excuse is that we don’t have the time to practice. We don’t have time or the energy because of the Herculean tasks of survival. We say to ourselves; “If only I could remove these barriers to my success, I could be great, but, I am a victim of circumstance, so I can’t”  An old saying: “If you believe you can’t, then you are right.”  And yet, we all recognize that we do have talent. We could be good at something. Why not take the chance? Because in taking that chance, to apply oneself to improvement, weather it is music, cooking, athletics, academic thought, poetry, art, science, gardening, anything, we can find our deeper selves. We can thrive.

I challenge you to take the risk. Yes, I am aware that not everyone of us has a hidden supreme talent, but isn’t it worth the effort to maximize those talents we do have? I read somewhere many years ago that if you spent 15 minutes a day on any focused task, that eventually you would become and expert at that task.  15 minutes a day, on something you enjoy often turns into a much longer period of time.  Musicians show us the end result of many thousands of hours of practice. The same goes for athletes, chefs, scientists, etc.  The sad truth is that most of us spend hours each day unfocused on mindless television, pointless video games, and pursuing our love of fast food. I challenge you again, to take the risk and show the courage to thrive.

A lot has been made of being in the moment. Perhaps overused to the point of losing it’s powerful message. Maybe we do not have a special skill, or talent. Maybe our goal is to participate in the mundane, perfectly. Many hours spent in the garden most often turns into a flower wonderland. The accumulation of our focused effort can have spectacular results. By being in the moment, applying focused effort, we have goals. And the closer to those goals we get. A marathon is run one step at a time. A castle can be built one brick at a time. A symphony can be composed on note at a time. When we do these things we create our moments to shine.

Jake Shimabukuro takes us on a sonic journey through his dedication and focus. He spent countless 15 minute sessions, or dare I say hours, to accomplish his goal of filling the world with beautiful music for our enjoyment. He is an example of what any of us can do if we put our minds to it. With just four strings he can captivate an audience and fill the room with his focus. What will you do today to improve your life? What will you do with 15 minutes each day? How will you develop goals to thrive in your life, not just survive?

I think I may just go buy a Ukulele and begin to learn how to play.

Physical pain. Mental anguish. Emotional suffering. Spiritual angst. Most people recoil from pain as a self-protective measure from actual or potential damage. And yet the truth of life is that it is filled with a wide variety of unavoidable pain.  To seek a life free from all pain is unrealistic.

Today I went to the dentist, a trip I have been avoiding, because of pain.  A couple of cavities needed drilling and filling. Probably as a result of my late night snacking and a sweet tooth.  The pain anticipated was actual pain as well as the shame of not behaving myself. I was embarrassed.

We all have to go to the dentist from time to time, and I can think of no other profession in which regardless of how nice a person you are, people fear you. Most of us endure the discomfort knowing that it is usually over in less than an hour and we will not have to go back for another six months or so.  In our daily lives, we often will do almost anything to avoid pain.

This is a truism in the psychological world: Humans seek pleasure over pain. Even when it appears that a person is choosing an obvious pain, somewhere in their head, the alternative is more painful or there is some sort of secondary gain. Going the gym, working out, or running are activities that for most people are difficult and painful. “No pain, no gain,” is the mantra. So why do people voluntarily choose this pain? Because the pleasure of a tone and fit body, is the reward. Even sometimes the pain and discomfort itself can trigger natural pain relievers and rewards in our brain called endorphins. And yes they can be addicting.  The runner’s “high” is a prime example of this internal reward for engaging in the pain.

The same can be said of emotional pain seeking. Many people engage in seemingly self damaging behavior such as drug/alcohol abuse, dropping out of school, dismantling personal relationships, overeating, etc. To me these signs say that the person is seeking to escape their emotional pain. Temorary escape all to often leads to other, more serious side effects. As humans we engage in these defense mechanisms because we believe that we are took weak to handle dealing with our deepest fears. You are more powerful than you think.

Back to the dentist.  I very much dislike pain. So much so, that I will work very hard to avoid it if possible. My dentist is still quite amused that I refuse to use Novocain when he is doing dental work on me. Two cavities drilled and filled today with no Novocain! In my thinking, the Novocain shot is very painful. And it continues to hurt for 1 to 2 days afterwards. So when I measure the quantity and severity of the pain I must endure, a quick drill and fill is the lesser of two pains.  Don’t get me wrong, it still hurts, a lot! But I have learned over the years to practice meditation and distraction techniques.  Some people think I am crazy. But I have discovered two secrets.

1. The pain of now is almost always less than the pain of later.

2. Our reaction to pain often causes more damage in the long run than enduring the pain of now.

Another story. I once had a cat that loved to stalk me. As I would sit on the sofa watching TV, I could see him lurking in the corner of the room waiting to pounce on my hand dangling off the edge of the couch. Sure enough, like a bolt of lightning he would dash and pounce.  YEEOUCH!  His claws dug into my hand and my automatic reaction was to pull away forcefully. As you may know, a cat’s claws are curved like fish hooks, so as the prey struggles to get away, they dig deeper and deeper. So here I am cursing the cat as my arm has several 6 to 10 inch long claw marks bleeding profusely.

This scenario repeated itself several times as I tried in vain to have reflexes quicker than the cat. Foolish human.  One day I realized that it was my reaction to the painful stimulus that was causing me to inflict such painful damage on myself! The next living room safari would be different.  As the stealthy and able feline, pounced upon my dangling hand…I froze. Sure there was some sharpness from the claws. Not pleasant, but not the searing pain I had known before. By controlling my reaction to the stimulus, I had prevented the unnecessary escalation of the pain.

Imagine the various pains we feel through life. If we could control our reactions to pain, we could prevent the unnecessary escalation of pain. If we can avoid hiding from our emotional pain, then we could eliminate the years of subconscious torture. The drug and alcohol induced escape from our emotional angst only prolongs the devastation. The denial of our grief and bottling up our feelings can prolong the feelings of pain for decades.

Sometimes feeling the pain, right here and now is exactly what we are supposed to do. Sometimes there is no healthy escape because we are supposed to feel it. Dealing with the various pains of our life in an honest healthy way actually does make us stronger. It makes us human. Human enough to have empathy for others and for ourselves. Wisdom does not come from a life of luxury and perfection. It comes from living a real life filled with mean teachers, unfair bosses, cruel lovers, dental visits and unruly cats.

Having the courage to thrive means to be able to overcome the obstacles that are an inevitability of life. Feeling the pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. What? How can that be true? Because our response to pain is almost entirely under our control. Examples abound of those who train their minds and bodies to survive in difficult environments. Members of the Navy Seals undergo profound training that helps them endure discomfort, and pain to achieve their goals. Buddhist monks develop their minds and focus to eliminate pain as a source of distraction and to allow the body to naturally heal. Elite athletes put pain out of their minds in order to will a marathon, Tour de France, or set world records for depth dives in the ocean.

Of course pain can also be severe enough to indicate critical damage. I would not hesitate to take the pain blockers and meds if I were having a root canal or wisdom teeth pulled! One has to be aware enough to know when the pain is an indicator that essential damage has or will occur and seek professional help from these miracle workers. Having the courage to know when you cannot handle the pain on your own is important. Do not allow your ego to cause even more damage by not seeking out appropriate help.

Medical doctors handle the physical damage. Clergy and pastoral care can handle the Spiritual pain. Mental health professionals such as myself, focus on the mental and emotional pain that results from the mind becoming overwhelmed. Please engage in a program of personal development. By doing so, you have the power to overcome life’s greatest obstacles with dignity, free from excessive pain. Have the courage to abandon the distractions, avoid over reacting to pain. Seeking to live a life free from all pain is unrealistic. But to relieve oneself from suffering is well within your grasp. Have the courage to thrive!

I have been resisting writing about this topic for some time, mostly because it is difficult, painful, and awkward. Suicide is the exact opposite of thriving. It is giving up on life when the rest of us wish to maximize our life. This is why it is so difficult to understand. Lately, in our community we have had a disproportionate number of teen suicides. Our community is reeling from the devastation. We struggle to understand why, these young people filled with so much potential, would take their own lives in a fit of despair.

As a psychologist, I have the textbook answers about loss of hope, depression, anxiety, and the teenage existential dilemmas. However, I also posses first hand knowledge and understanding of this desperate state of the human condition. You see, I was a suicidal teen, and just when I thought my life could not get any worse, my younger brother took his own life.

The year was 1987 a couple of months before my 22^nd birthday. For the previous couple of years following graduation from high school, I was killing myself with drugs. I was drowning in alcohol. Surrounded by friends who were worried to death about me but couldn’t make a dent. I wanted to die. In my fractured mind, there was no hope. There was so reason, no meaning in my life. I was lost. The depths of pain were indescribable.  Unless you have known this black hole, there is no real understanding.

I was mostly functioning, I had a girlfriend (not a very good one), had a jobs (frequently laid off), laughed with my friends, enjoyed music, and partied hard. Most people thought I was doing well, and yet deep down it was all a lie. I felt utterly alone surrounded by family and friends. I had a failed suicide attempt, which made me feel even worse, if that was possible. I was such a loser, I couldn’t even kill my self without screwing up. I had the reverse Midas touch. Everything I touched turned to crap. Just when I thought that my life couldn’t get any worse. Just when I thought I was going to snap…

It was a Sunday morning January 18^th, 1987. As I walked up to my parent’s house, many of my cousins and friends were in the driveway. The informed me that my younger brother, Joey, had died. A self-inflicted gunshot wound. He was just 20 years old. The shock was devastating. I screamed at the top of my lungs, the sound of ultimate suffering. Then my mind went blank. Most of the next few days are lost to me. I really don’t remember much. There was the funeral, there was a wake, I lost my job again. Lost in a sea of pain that I thought would never end. I wanted to die. But I saw how much pain my family was in. I couldn’t do that to them again. Two suicides would just be beyond my imagination. I was stuck without a way out.

One day, I realized that I too was going to die. Not just someday, perhaps today, but definitely soon. I felt the molecules of my body start to lose their atomic bond. I finally got it. I finally found myself wanting to live. But I needed purpose, I needed meaning. I quit drugs, stopped abusing alcohol, and began the long difficult path of rebuilding my life. Searching for meaning, many adventures and many trials later. I emerged with a mission to become a psychologist. But I wanted to be the kind of shrink that I or my brother could have talked to. Someone who gets it. I hope that I am that guy. Still working on self-improvement and probably always will.

Through the course of my career as a psychologist, I have worked with some of the most damaged, difficult, and hopeless cases. I have also had the pleasure to work with many individuals who just happen to be in a tight spot. It is fair to say, that most teens struggle mightily with their existential dilemmas. Yet each teen gets through it because of their unique blend of skills, and support. What they want the most is, some understanding from others that they are in pain. They want the adults in their lives to give them hope, not judgment.

Working with teenagers is sometimes kind of like hugging a porcupine. They can be quite prickly but under all those spines, is a soft, kind, vulnerable person who deserves the best we can give them. The “why” of teen depression and loss of hope is partly a condition of being a teen with half your brain tied behind your back. The young mind is not capable of fully integrating the knowledge and skills that have indeed been learned. The decision portion of the brain doesn’t fully develop until age 24 or 25 years of age.

The other “why” is pressure. Teens are under such intense pressure that it is no wonder they show such dramatic behavior and outbursts.  School pressure is usually number one. Pressure to succeed. Pressure to be cool, to be sexy, to be funny, to be good, to be bad, pressure to form their individual identity. Becoming an individual and define oneself is difficult under the best of circumstances. But in today’s society we do not form ourselves in private. We form ourselves in the public eye, at school, by texting, on the internet, social media, etc. This is the kind of pressure that can crack an otherwise stable individual. So what are we to do?

The first thing for adults to do is to pay attention to their children, or anyone for that matter who appears to be depressed or out of sorts. The rate of teen depression and anxiety combined is about  30%.  the rate of other mental illness’ such as bi-polar disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, and emerging scizophrenia adds up to about 4 in 10 teens deal with a serious emotional disturbance before they become adults. This is a vulnerable population that deserves support and appropriate treatment. Of course I am biased because of my profession but I believe that every teen should spend some time in self reflection with a qualified therapist. Life is a difficult journey and we would all do well to learn some life skills from a professional.

There are several conditions which lead to suicide which we be aware of and take action. Means, Motive, and Opportunity. We may or may not be able to do much about motive. A young mind can create motive for themselves. However, we can reduce the means available. There really is no reason for a teen to have access to a firearm unsupervised. Ever. Lock up or dispose of all medications, prescription or over the counter. Just do it. Don’t argue. And lastly, we can reduce the opportunities by not leaving the affected teen alone. It may sound like a daunting task and very inconvenient but they cannot kill themselves if they do not have the opportunity.

Teens who are depressed, anxious, and/or suicidal cannot see, into the future. They have no experience in survival of life’s trials. They cannot see through the pain and endure until happier times. Nothing stays the same, not even the bad times. We must inform them of that fact, and even if they do not believe in relief, we do. We can hold the belief for them. We can hold the hope for them. Hope is the antidote to despair. Where there is hope, there is the opportunity to thrive.

I call this blog “The Courage to Thrive” because I believe that we muster our courage in order to truly thrive. To forge ahead in the face of adversity. Life is filled with diminishing moments. Our courage to pursue happiness, to pursue a life the shines is what pulls us through. We must lead our young by example, show them how we have the courage to thrive. And hold the hope for them. Let them know that they are worth our time and investment. Keep them close even if it feels like you are hugging a porcupine.

I am normally loathe to speak of politics. To spend time trying to convince someone who disagrees with you of your opinion is mostly a waste. To spend time conversing about the issues with someone who already agrees with you is pointless. All too often politics makes for hurt feelings and occasional enemies of our family and friends.  Sometimes we find camraderie in people we never knew we had anything in common with.

On various social media, the political ranting has already started. For some, it has been entertaining to watch the candidates of the same party tear into each other, but soon enough it will come down to conservatives vs. liberals and very mean spirited attacks on each other. This good vs. evil approach to political debate has always made me feel a bit sick to my stomach, like watching hobos in a fist fight.

I have my opinions.  But I have no desire to convice others that my political opinion is the most correct. As I check my email inbox and Facebook updates, I find many, many politically themed posts.  All of the retoric is about simplistic points and idealism which rarely translate to true cause, and true change.  Don’t get me wrong, there are many political ads, slogans, metaphors, and quips that are quite hilarious and/or right on point. What gets me, is that people who I feel quite comfortable with occasionally share a political viewpoint that is somewhat jarring to my perception of them.

Having differing political views than your family and friends can be quite stimulating. Engaging in an intellectual debate as to the merrit or folly of a particular point can lead to futher exploration and sometimes a solution or change of opinion.  But what I more often see is two hardline approaches that challenge each other to a word based, name calling, sword clashing battle that ends with hurt feelings and ruined relationships. Wouldn’t it be nice to consider that there is more than one solution to a problem and perhaps that people who think differently than you do are indeed good people too?

Will Rogers was/is one of my favorite philosophers. He was a lover of politics but from the stand point of being a virulent critic.  He believed that we could do great things but the political ambitions of individuals and parties derailed the process. My favorite political quote from him is as follows:

We all feel overwhelmed from time to time. Sometimes we use the phrase, “ever have one of those days?”  So many times I want to change that phrase to, “ever have one of those lives?” The daily grind can accumulate a tremendous amount of pressure which can paralize us. This environmental, social, mental paralysis can become procrastination of epic proportions.  So much so that we are completely overwhelmed. Even the littlest things can seem like they take too much effort.

My personal experience as well as in my private practice has taught me that it is the individual perspective that matters here. People try to be helpful by offering solutions, even actual help with said projects and responsibilities. However, it is the person who is afflicted, they have lost hope. They have lost courage.

Homework, housework, bills to be paid, yardwork, dog poop to pick up, lose weight, eat better, exercise, letters to be written, phone calls, emails, dinner to cook, clothes to wash, people to see, reports to turn in, and on, and on, and on, and on! The list can seem endless. Most people see the mountain of chores and responsibilities as insurmountable. They fall into despair. And every day the mountain gets bigger. So big the lost of hope turns to helplessness and depression.

I have seen certain animals eat things bigger than one would thing possible. Snakes for instance, can unhinge their jaw to swallow prey bigger than their head! Humans, not so much. I have never once witnessed a human unhinge their jaw and swallow an entire bunch of grapes in one bite. But…I have seen humans eat an entire bunch of grapes, one at a time.

I call this strategy, debunching, which I often recommend to my clients. By taking it one grape at a time we can debunch our overwhelming tasks. Life is a process. One thing at a time. One step at a time. Whatever our responsibilities or our goals, we can accomplish great things if we debunch the problems and take it one grape at a time.

We don’t need the couage to climb the whole mountain, we only need the courage to take one step. We don’t need to eat the whole bunch in one bite, we only need the courage to eat one grape at a time. That is the courage to thrive.

So take a deep breath, and have a grape.

When I write about thriving, it sometimes can seem as if there is an urgency to be constantly productive. Constantly growing can be draining at times.  We must balance our growth and motivation with time for recovery, rest, and reflection.

Over the past week and a half, I have been battling a dreadful head cold. I am not good when I am sick, actually a pretty bad patient. Mostly, I refuse to believe what my body is telling me. I try to tough it out and plow through my day with all its responsibilities. This is not a good strategy.

I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t volunteer to be a human petri dish, a walking bacteria factory with the classy phlegm, mucus, and coughing. I am not allowed to get sick!  I have much to do, so many goals and aspirations.  These things will not get done unless I do them.

Of course, it is my wonderful wife who finally convinces me that I must slow down take care of myself. In fact, she insists. Twice in my life, I have refused to be sick.  I flat out refused to slow down and take care of myself, thinking, that if I was going to feel like crud, I could to that lying down or I could feel like crud and be productive as well. Bad idea.  Both times I have done this, I came down with walking pneumonia! Thank goodness for the miracle of anti-biotics or I would not be here today.

So with much reluctance I have rolled into bed and forced myself to be non-productive. I have taken care of my basic responsibilities, even accomplished a few events. But for the most part, I have done not one bit of Thriving in the last week and a half. Instead, I have listened to my wife, and my body and mostly rested.  By giving my body the rest it needs in order to heal, I am hoping to avoid further degradation of my health and a speedy return to vitality.

One of my dreams is to someday run a marathon. 26.2 miles! Over the past few years I have made some half hearted attempts to take on this challenge and begun a program of running.  I have run quite a few 5K races and one 10K race.  But something always comes up that derails my ultimate training goals. Just when I thought I was in a fantastic training groove, this head cold hits.  I crave my morning runs. Lying in bed seems like a luxury but all I keep thinking is that I am wasting valuable training time. And my goals get further away.

When I tell my ego to take a rest, I realize that taking this downtime is not the end of the world, or the end of my training. It is a minor setback. So many people have set wonderful goals for this new year and as soon as they hit a wall, they use it as an excuse to give up.  We will NOT allow these minor setbacks to derail us from our goals. The courage to thrive means that even in the face of resistance, we dig deep and find the courage to continue our quest. Of course, that will have to wait until after my bowl of chicken soup and another nap.

It’s not easy for me to take time off. But sometimes, by taking some downtime, we can recharge and be better prepared for the opportunities that are just down the road. This has been a good time of reflection. Yes, I am a victim of this dreaded cold bug. But I refuse to let it kill me. I will survive. My body’s defenses are well equipped to wipe out this army of invaders, but I have to let them do it in their own time. Then and only then, will I charge forward with vigor in my quest to ever Thrive.

Blood.  I’ve spilled a lot of it over my lifetime.  Skinned knees, cut fingers, bloody noses, bicycle accidents, car accidents, motorcycle accidents, cut bare feet, fist fights, fell off a telephone pole, four surgeries, rose thorns, split lip, even a friendly rock fight as a kid that left a really nice scar on my head (it’s another story)!  But I am most proud of the blood I have spilled by donation to the Red Cross, our local hospital, and United Blood Services.

My son, Devin, was born 3 months premature in 1999. Back then, I was in graduate school and felt that I was giving everything I had to keep my life together.  With a sick child in intensive care I was struggling to keep my head above water. School, work, home, and family in hospital all conspired to rob me of nearly every ounce of energy.  One day, my son’s doctor asked me what blood type I was. “ O positive but why?” I answered.  He asked if I would be willing to give blood as a “directed donation” to my son who needed a blood transfusion.  YES! Anything I could I would do for him. So right then and there I donated blood for the first time.

Since then, I have donated on average 3 times a year. Most of my donations have gone to anonymous people but occasionally, I can still do a directed donation.  A couple of years ago, I received an email asking for blood donations for a little girl with leukemia. She was 9 months old and needed weekly blood transfusions until she could get a bone marrow transplant.  I am what they call CMV negative.  This means that I have never been exposed to the cytomegalovirus, and can donate to premature infants, and babies. 60% of people age 6 or older have been exposed and by age 80 it is over 90%.  Even the anti bodies are found to have negative effects on premature infants.

Having donated to specific people and had a helping part in saving their lives is one of the greatest feelings ever.  I highly encourage you to give if you can. And if for some reason you are not a good candidate to donate, then find a way of getting involved somehow. Volunteer, donate money, something.

One of the most important concepts in the courage to thrive is finding the reason to act. An action can come from one of four motivations. 1: reward. 2: punishment. 3: self mastery. 4: Altruism.  The first two, reward and punishment, are extrinsically motivated. One is avoiding some form of punishment or pain, or one is seeking a reward. It is how we motivate children and puppy dogs.  But the later two, self mastery and altruism, are intrinsically motivating. The most mature, deepest meaning, and profound personal impact comes from being selfless.  The giving of oneself without any expectation of reward, takes us to a higher plane of existence. In that moment we Thrive!

January is national blood donor month. To give the gift of life is about the most selfless thing you can do.  The courage to thrive means that you have so much to give, you cannot keep it to yourself.  Your body is capable of producing extra blood. When you donate, your bone marrow and other systems engage to replace the lost components, plasma, platelets, and red blood cells. One pint of donated blood can save 3 lives! Please give blood. Save lives and Thrive! And they give you free cookies.

To make an appointment to schedule a donation contact; American Red Cross http://www.redcrossblood.org/, or United Blood Services www.unitedbloodservices.org

I recently began re-reading The Last Lecture, by Randy Pausch.  If you have not read it, put this book on your manditory to do list.  A wonderful explanation of what Randy learned about life in his short term on this planet. In the end, he wished to leave a legacy for his children which he knew he would not be there to teach them as they grew up.

Sometimes we believe that the point of aquiring wisdom is to make our own lives better. Certainly that can be a wonderful effect, but I feel the point is to pass on wisdom, to share what we collect and advance our species. Each new generation does not have to reinvent the wheel. We continuously build on the previous generations’ efforts. In the case of cars, most of us wouldn’t know the first thing about the inner workings of our modes of transportation. But we can operate them just fine (for the most part!).

With regards to life wisdom, each generation seems to either wish to build their knowledge through personal experience alone, or depend entirely on ancient wisdom from books and traditions going back thousands of years. Right here, right now, there is wisdom to be discovered.  Our current times demand a different kind of adaptation to not only survive but to Thrive!  Of course experience is a wondeful teacher, but we will never live long enough to experience everything we need to know. Therefore, we will need the past wisdom of our ancestors.  Balance is what is called for. Neither totally depending on the past nor totally depending on experience.

Randy Pausch knew he was going to die. He had a defined period of time to collect all that he had learned and deemed worthy of sharing to others, especially his kids. We are all going to die. Most of us do not know when. Wouldn’t it be a special gift if we could write down what we know and share it with our children? Our grand children? And beyond?

This is the first blog entry that will seek to document some of the journey I have made thus far in my life.  Thank you for joining me and becoming part of my experience. The various tragedies, accidents, abuses, and self-imposed punishments have served to make for a very interesting life so far. And yet I have also been able to craft for myself a life filled with joy and accomplishment. Many people would be surprised by my darker inner world because for the most part I appear to be and very much am a positive jovial person.   I have chosen, through a lifetime of personal growth, to make each moment a lesson. When I was much younger I embarked on a journey to discover the meaning of life. But what I found was that I alone, must find meaning IN life. I have suffered through pain that most people could not imagine. And yet, here I am, living a full, exciting life filled with love and adventure. I want to share with you what I have learned thus far.

Each time life has handed me an unfair amount of pain, I have felt crushed to dust, burned to ashes, and yet I continue to rise again stronger and more energized, reborn like the fabled Phoenix.  My belief is not that I am special in any way but rather that each of us is stronger and more resilient than we believe. Symbolism is important, which is why I have taken the Phoenix as a personal symbol. A symbol of triumph over adversity. To continuously rise from the ashes filled with hope and strength.

When we are met with abuse, tragedy, accidents, etc, we are clearly in victim status. Through the passage of time, we can be considered “Survivors.”  It is great to survive, however, why would we wish to identify ourselves as merely survivors? The goal is to create, for ourselves, a state of “Thriving.” When we are thriving, we are really living.

Victim. Survivor. Thriver.

Clearly there are events in our lives that are out of our control. When bad stuff happens, we can correctly identify as a victim. Being the victim is a cruddy place to be. Many times, we are incapacitated to some degree, and if we stay a victim long enough, we develop maladaptive behaviors to cope with the pain. Drinking, drugs, escapism in many forms, even the dreaded defense mechanisms of dear Dr. Freud rear their ugly head. Over time and some healing we can shift into survivor mode. Being a survivor is good, however, it is limited by our previous injuries and we are kept there by our maladaptive behaviors and defense mechanisms. If as a survivor we are challenged or hurt again, we decline rapidly into victim status once again.  We become victims and stay vulnerable our whole lives. But, if we can truly Thrive, then the next insult to our lives will merely knock us back to survival mode rather than victim status. The journey then is to eliminate the maladaptive behaviors, escape behaviors, and defense mechanisms that keep us as victims or just surviving.

They say that “whatever doesn’t kill us only makes us stronger.”  I refute this statement vehemently. I have at times been crushed by the weight of tragedy and did not become stronger.  I have witnessed many people annihilated by an unfair world. Life is incredibly unfair. I wish the concept of fairness was never articulated, because it is an illusion, a dream, an unobtainable ideal. However, despite the unfairness of life, we are charged with determining some form of meaning from our lives. By doing so, we step out of the victim role and begin to become the architect of our own destiny. We are not alone. We can and must seek help from our fellow humans.  Therapists, friends, teachers, coaches, clergy, and mentors all contribute to our new knowledge. I humbly submit myself as a source, to share what I have learned thus far. Through each of these blog entries, I will attempt to articulate one or more concepts of how we can regain our personal power.  But the most important attribute we will need on this journey is the Courage to Thrive!

I am a psychologist, husband, father, friend, and person. Thank you for joining me, this is going to be a fun ride!