Courage to Thrive

Nothing compares to homegrown.  Vegetables, flowers, grass, bushes, and trees combine to create an environment that is pleasing and satisfying. Communing with nature feeds the soul. One of my passions, is gardening. As a kid I hated the weekly drudgery of weekend chores such as raking leaves and pulling weeds. Now as an adult, I find peace and serenity in my gardening chores. In fact, it is one of the strategies I use to process and deal with life. A kind of walking meditation.

There is nothing like the taste of your own grown vegetables and fruits.  Sure the flavor is more intense but also the feeling of manifesting pure food out of a few seeds, dirt, and some water. You are witness to the natural phenomenon of plants turning trace minerals and sunlight into food.

Food is a primary reinforcer.  Primary reinforcers such as: food, shelter, water, and love can be given or withheld as part of a behavioral shaping strategy. A food treat for a dog is a primary reinforcer to encourage specific behaviors such as “sit, “ or “roll over.” The point is that all our lives, most of us live under the others in power, who control our food. Parents to children, stores to customers, farmers to stores, corporations to the farmers, the control is mostly outside of ourselves.

We work jobs and earn money to exchange for food to feel like we have some control. But as we are often made aware, the corporations, farmers, and stores have far more control of our food than we do. They control the pesticides, fertilizers, harvests, shipping, processing, packaging, and marketing of our food. For the most part, we find this all a fair trade because how many of us can really be full time farmers?  There is a lot of work involved to create a harvest, but we can get involved even if that means we have one small tomato plant on our window sill.

As children, we are in awe of our parents. They can drive cars, pick us up, make life altering decisions, and most of all, they provide us with food. We “act good” in hopes of getting desert! But as we grow older we begin to understand that we can feed ourselves. This reduces the parents power over us. Sure they still buy the food, but now in our teens, we can declare “I won’t eat that,” with more authority. We can become vegetarian or vegan if we wish. We can earn our own money and buy our own junk food at fast food places. Eventually we move out to our own apartment and do the shopping for ourselves. This is a developmental process that takes us from dependence to independence. And it feels good.

It is funny how the first harvest from my garden each year feels the same way. To know that my head of broccoli steaming in the pot was grown, watered, weeded, fertilized, cared for, and harvested by me just minutes before, it is so profoundly satisfying. It feels like I am an operator in the machine of life, not a victim of circumstances. I am a creator. Oh, and it tastes sooo good!

So much of our lives, are spent in pursuit of getting stuff. We focus almost entirely on consuming, Our waking hours filled with efforts to support more and more consumption. How often do we actually create? Being productive is a need deep inside each one of us. Humans, who are thriving, are being productive. They produce something that has value. When you can produce something that has value, you step outside of the consumption hamster wheel and begin to feel the empowerment of creativity.

One of the great pleasures of home ownership is the power to do what you wish with your own property. Creating a garden is a fundamental right. But there are others who do not or cannot own their own home. How can they garden? So many ways, firstly there are community gardens in almost every major city. Humans have transformed trash strewn empty lots into vibrant gardens filled with flowers and vegetables, and enriched the community and their lives. For those who only want to participate one plant at a time, I suggest a tomato plant or strawberry pot on the window sill. Grow something and be proud.

Not everyone has the time to invest in a huge garden, but everyone has the time to invest in themselves. Working with the soil, even a mini garden in your window, has lasting and profound benefits that go deep to your soul. We are in charge even if for just that one moment. The courage to thrive takes a journey of many turns. Everywhere you look is an opportunity to be the architect of your own destiny. Plant some seeds and watch them grow. Johnny Appleseed wandered the countryside flinging seeds everywhere as a kind of botanical graffiti. What if you sprinkled some wild flower seeds on an empty patch of dirt?

Tell me how you find homegrown to be the best. Tell me about your enlightenment while digging in the dirt. Tell me how you thrive!

Many people ask me why I ride a motorcycle.  I have ridden for so long that people expect me to show up on my sidecar motorcycle most places I go and I am often referred to as “The Psych on the Bike.” It doesn’t seem to be the obvious choice for me as I was such an awkward teenager.  I once tripped over a single brick in an empty room! (True story) A father and family man should drive a sensible car, shouldn’t he?  In my wilder, younger days, I was in a few motorcycle mishaps and was even shut down a freeway with a spectacular crash. Nothing has prevented me from climbing back in the saddle. So why the near obsession with the open road?

There is no question that sparks such different responses among motorcycle riders. For most of us, it is an intangible feeling of being alive. More alive than when we are just walking around or driving the car. For me it really is a celebration of being alive. It represents to me the freedom to live fully. To really thrive in life, not just get to the next location. The wind in my face seems to blow my cares away. For me it is therapy.

This past weekend I took my son Devin on an over 400 mile road trip through central California on our sidecar rig. We met up with amazing people, saw the sights, and shared an invaluable father/son bonding experience. Many times along the road, I found myself visually drinking in the spectacular natural beauty. From acres of rolling hills covered in grape vines and wineries, to the fields filled with emerald green grass and wild flowers, to the stunning shoreline, and even a few forest roads, we were enveloped in a once in a lifetime show that was better than any 3D movie. We shared the experience. And it will forever be a part of our relationship.

Most of the time I ride alone. Just the practical nature of commuting to the radio station, speaking engagements, or my office to see clients. Nothing compares to riding home in the evening as the wind blows away my stress leaving me refreshed when I get home. Riding a motorcycle requires an intense focus that is not draining but rather liberating. I feel a wonderful pleasure in the fact that I am completely ignorant to what the talk radio pundits are spewing about in this political season. Sometimes it really is better to not listen to the news. Riding to me is a moving meditation. I listen to the engine, watch the conditions of the road, shift through the gears, blending myself with the machine and motion.

For me it is about living an inspired life. I got that phrase from motivational speaker,  Susan Burrell. http://livingyourinspiredlife.org/  She really is on to something here. That we should strive to live fully and completely, without reservations.  Motorcycling, for me is a part of that. It also is not allowing past mistakes to define my existence. I learn from my mistakes and grow. This is the essence of thriving. If we shy away from anything we have gotten hurt doing, then our world will be constantly shrinking until we are frozen with fear.

Thriving is about facing fear head on. Not being stupid about fear, but refusing to let fear rule our lives. When I was young and self-destructive, I took my love of motorcycling for granted and behaved badly. As I mature, I have learned to find the deeper meaning in each of my choices and to live fully in the moment. So as the” Psych on the Bike,” I will live and represent the courage to thrive every day. What is your courageous act? What are you going to do to face your fears? How will you endeavor to Thrive?

There is a distinct pattern of response to the traumas in human life. The difference between one who is a victim and stays that way, and the person who is victimized yet goes on to thrive, is often a very small difference. The difference is made up of attitude, skill, and courage. Our mission on this planet is not just to survive the various difficulties we are faced with, but to thrive despite the seeming chaos.

Many times, when a person is victimized, they go into a kind of shock. This is a natural response to trauma, and it comes in two types;  firstly the fight or flight response, and secondly the freeze response. Fight or flight is the primitive brain response that allows us to fight off or run away from a tiger or a bear. Adrenalin pumps, the heart races, blood pressure rises, and blood is sent to the extremities in preparation for hand to hand combat or running away as fast as we can.  Alternatively, the freeze response is opposite, it is a full surrender to the attack in hopes of survival by playing dead. While these strategies may be our only response to overwhelming situations, staying in this victim role can have devastating long term consequences. Playing the victim all the time is a horrible place to be feeling like you can be literally and figuratively killed at any time, at the mercy of circumstance.

Over time, the person can move into the next phase as a survivor. Surviving has been celebrated in many ways and because of the horrific abuse that some have suffered; I agree that it should be.  My concern for some people, is that they identify so completely with survival that it prevents further growth. In order survive we also develop “defense mechanisms,” as well as maladaptive behaviors. These protect us but also leave us vulnerable to many other insults and injuries along the way. As an example, many people take up drinking alcohol has a way to escape their pain, frustration, and anxiety about life. This strategy can lead to many, many complications and side effects too numerous to mention here.

There has been much study of resiliency. I see resilience as being relatively unaffected by the trauma or stress, neither up or down. It is neutral. But growth through trauma allows advancement. Finding meaning or creating meaning gives the indication and strength to thrive. We must develop our strength not just to endure but to thrive.

The next stage is thriving. In order to thrive, we must face our fears. We must abandon “defense mechanisms,” and maladaptive behaviors. This takes attitude, skills, and  courage.  Beyond being resilient, we must grow through trauma to find meaning in our experiences. Not the meaning of the experience, but rather find meaning in the experience. When one has achieved a level of thriving then any future insult or trauma may knock us down a peg, but only into survival mode rather than the victim status. By endeavoring to keep ourselves thriving, we stand a much better chance of weathering the storms without losing everything we have worked so hard to achieve.

So how do we Thrive after being a victim? Firstly one must process the initial trauma and place the circumstances in perspective. This often requires the help of a professional or a paraprofessional. The military has been implementing a debriefing strategy after war zone engagements with individual soldiers, and finding a reduced rate of PTSD. For the average person, this means talking to your therapist, or perhaps a member of the clergy to process your feelings of shock, betrayal, vulnerability, etc. By doing this we can discover or create meaning out of the experience. This also changes one’s attitude from weak and vulnerable, to one of empowerment and thoughtfulness.

Secondly, we engage in skill building. Appropriate self-soothing strategies to quiet the mind and give a sense of inner peace is perhaps the most important skill to build. Examples include; prayer, meditation, focus, exercise, thought stopping, and positive affirmations. There are endless specific skills to apply to your situation weather you are a business executive, or professional athlete, or a stay at home dad. Your therapist/clergy/coach will work out the specifics with you.

Lastly, we must practice courage repeatedly in order to make it a new habit. We must engage life without prejudice or fear. We must have the courage to fall down again, and again, yet still get up and try one more time. Success is measured not by how many times you get knocked down, but by how many times you get back up.

Thriving is an excellent way to live! Thriving means achieving your potential in many areas. Thriving means truly living in the moment and drinking in the beauty of life all around us. We are indeed capable of being self-directed and not just relying on fate to lend us a hand. Become the architect of your own destiny. Who you are today is a direct result of the past choices. Who you will be tomorrow is determined by the choices you make today. Choose to Thrive!

Please comment, ask questions, and share with others.

When we were kids, running was just pain fun! We prayed for a chance to get out of the house/car/school, anything to just run. I remember the bell for recess being like the starting gun at the horse races. All of us kids scrambling out of the classroom to play in the schoolyard. Ah those good old days.

Because my son Devin, was born premature and had so many medical complications, we were told by the doctors that he would never really be able to enjoy the world like other kids, much less run. For so much of his early years, we carried him around, we took him in the stroller but he couldn’t get around very well. At about age four, he got his first walker. It gave him mobility and greatly expanded his world. But for the most part it was home, therapy, and pre-school, and by definition, those are limited environments.

One day we were asked to bring Devin to the local soccer fields for what the call VIP soccer. This is a volunteer league designed to help out special needs children, teaching them soccer, and giving them the opportunity to play. We got to the fields early and got Devin out and on the grass, he just took off in his walker. Mary, my wife wanted to go after him but I held her close and we let him run. And run he did. For the first time in his life he had the opportunity to run as far as he could. No limits, no boundaries. It was such a joy to see our little boy run, albeit with assistance, until he was nearly out of sight. Just a dot way across the fields. Of course that is when I went after him. That day he played with the other kids, kicked balls, and ran back and forth on the fields enjoying the freedom.

These days, Devin engages in all kinds of activities that the doctors said he never would. From surfing, horseback riding, soccer, baseball, etc, he keeps proving them wrong. So often we forget how good we have it. We should be grateful to have our health, good working bodies. We need to run and play the way our bodies were designed in honor of those who cannot. How can we just sit on the couch and watch TV for 10 hours a day? Get out there and run. Have some fun. But be careful, you might even do your body some good!

I have run off an on for the last few years in order to keep myself healthy. I run for my life. It keeps my naturally high cholesterol in check, and so many other health benefits. It also is fantastic for elevating my mood. I have run many 5Ks and two-10Ks. Someday I hope to run a marathon. Whatever your activity, running, biking, swimming, tennis, etc, get out there and do it. You must have the courage to thrive! Literally we need to run for our lives. But where do we find the motivation?

The velocity of a body remains constant unless acted on by an outside force. Or put another way, an object in motion stays in motion, an object at rest stays at rest. This is basically my feeble attempt at explaining Newton’s first law of motion. The outside force is actually with in us it is courage, it is will. It is very difficult to get moving if all one does is stay still. But the good news is that once you resume motion, you tend to stay in motion. Age is a wonderful thing. Life can season us into wisdom, however, all too often we let the wisdom of childhood go unattended. Go out an play! Celebrate life!

One of my favorite sayings is from George Bernard Shaw. “We don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.”  It can also be stated, we don’t stop moving because we get old, we get old because we stop moving. The health benefits are undeniable. And in a culture of constant comfort, we have to challenge ourselves to get moving. Have the courage to THRIVE.

Depression is, to many, an unfathomable experience. They just do not understand the dark hole that those of us who suffer can plummet into. They get that there are life experiences that can contribute to sadness. They get that an accumulation of events can bring someone down. But they do not get the depth of the darkness.

By definition, depression is a level of sadness out of proportion to the triggering events. In many cases, depression rears its ugly head without any triggering event. In fact, it is a disease, a mental disorder. Consider this: According to the Archives of General Psychiatry, lifetime prevalence rates for any kind of mental disorder are 46% in the United States. That means that nearly half of us, at some point in our lives will meet the criteria for a mental disorder. Almost all types of emotional/mental disturbances possess a component of depression. Most of the time the episode is condition specific and short lived. It is amazing that we do not have more people engaging in the support and growth opportunities of therapy. It could be that our culture still defines mental/emotional issues as a weakness. Add to that the more than half the population that never have or will have an issue that is diagnosable, we have a lot of bias and shame involved.

A friend from high school recently posted an amazing quote from her seven year old. “If it’s raining only on you, it looks like it’s raining on everyone else too because you’re looking at them through your rain.”  This wonderful observation is indicative of how perspective rules our life experiences. What is so wonderful about being human is that we ultimately have a choice. A choice to change our perspective.

Other people, when in a depressed state, seem to think they are the only one depressed. That the rest of the world has no troubles, and that life is treating those others with sunshine and rainbows. When in fact, the vast majority of us suffer an endless stream of life challenges. What separates the depressed person from the rest, is perspective. Occasionally, it can be helpful to see that others do have it worse than we do. We can be lifted a bit out of our depression by the awareness that people all around us have more difficult challenges than we do. This is summed up in the old adage, “I lamented that I had no shoes, until I met a man that had no feet.” This past year, I have had several people in my life forced to deal with cancer. When I think about it, my pulled Achilles tendon and mild heart burn pale by comparison.

Suffering cannot be compared. Each person suffers and deals with their depression in a unique way. Suffering can be described thusly; Imagine two glasses filled with crystal clear, cool mountain spring water. Into the first one we put an ounce of blue ink. It swirls and colors the water to make it undrinkable. Into the second glass we put 6 drops of blue ink. It swirls and colors the water to make it undrinkable. In each case the ink colors the entire glass of water much as suffering colors and fills our lives.  Yes, someone who has been shot suffers more quantity of pain than the person who stubs their toe on a coffee table. But the person with the stubbed toe still has to go around all day with a throbbing toe.

Imagine two people standing on the shoreline of the Pacific Ocean. Sunset fades in a show of colors as the last light dances off the shimmering waves. The first person takes a deep breath as the sun at last sinks below the horizon, feeling as though she has looked into the eye of God. The second person turns away, unimpressed, feeling annoyed that the day has come to an end. Perspective. No one can give it to us. It is an internal thing. In my experience with depression, it is perspective that changes everything. Yes, there are pills that can lighten the load, but nothing ever really changes. Therapy can be very effective in helping a person to change their perspective, but so can a good book, a great sermon, or even a sunset. We have to make ourselves open to a change in perspective.

Don’t sweat the people in your life that don’t get it. They may never get it. Our private hell is just that, private. Cultivate people in your life who do get it. Talk with others that can support you through the dark times. And when you are doing well, share the joy with others. Giving, from our heart to those in need, is one of the highest forms of altruism. Finding the courage to thrive is most difficult when depression robs us of motivation and hope. Allow someone you trust to hold the hope for you for a little while. You do not have to justify to anyone why you are depressed. You do have to find within yourself the courage to thrive. It’s all about perspective.

How many of us really ever focus? Focus on the task at hand? Perhaps focus our energies to accomplish a profound goal? So much of life is just getting through. Survive the day’s tasks and challenges. We spend enormous amounts of energy attempting to make ourselves comfortable. We struggle to decide what to eat, what to wear, where to go.  We do battle on the freeway to find the perfect lane, we switch channels on the radio every 2 minutes in a vain attempt to find the best song or talk show that reflects only our values. Why must we get home at the end of the day feeling like we have just barely survived another day. We live at the edge of disaster and survival. When do we get to shine?

Last night I had the supreme pleasure of seeing Jake Shimabukuro, master Ukulele player, live at the Canyon Club. He played to a packed crowd, standing room only. Just Jake, and his beautiful Ukulele. I couldn’t help but be amazed that with just four strings, he could captivate a huge audience. An audience waiting to be amazed. He held the audience spellbound with his unique interpretations of originals and cover songs. We were witness to a human thriving right before our eyes. His gift to us, a sonic journey as the music moved us emotionally. I couldn’t help but notice, that the music moved him too. If you have never heard of him or his music, click this youtube link right now. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=puSkP3uym5k I will wait for you to return.

(whistling softly to self) Oh you are back?  Good.  Can you believe how good this guy is?

It was a perfect demonstration of focus. During the concert, Jake would banter and story tell between each song, but as he began to play he would take a deep breathe, eyes closed, and enter the zone just as his fingers began their magic dance. Like a samurai drawing his sword with deliberate swiftness, like a potter concentrating on the emerging vase at his wheel, like a basketball player shooting his perfect three pointer, he applied his entire focus to the task at hand.

I make the case, that in order to move beyond just surviving, we must have the courage to thrive.  The courage to engage in the effort it takes to become brilliant at something. To find a purpose to our existence, beyond mere survival. We may never rise to the amazing levels of admired musicians, athletes, martial artists, poets, or captains of industry. However, we must engage our lives with the attempt to be amazing. Perfection is unattainable, but in the pursuit we find meaning.

Marianne Williamson in her poem, “A Return to Love,” challenges us with these words.

” …who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine…”

We all have talent. Talents that get rusty from misuse. Our excuse is that we don’t have the time to practice. We don’t have time or the energy because of the Herculean tasks of survival. We say to ourselves; “If only I could remove these barriers to my success, I could be great, but, I am a victim of circumstance, so I can’t”  An old saying: “If you believe you can’t, then you are right.”  And yet, we all recognize that we do have talent. We could be good at something. Why not take the chance? Because in taking that chance, to apply oneself to improvement, weather it is music, cooking, athletics, academic thought, poetry, art, science, gardening, anything, we can find our deeper selves. We can thrive.

I challenge you to take the risk. Yes, I am aware that not everyone of us has a hidden supreme talent, but isn’t it worth the effort to maximize those talents we do have? I read somewhere many years ago that if you spent 15 minutes a day on any focused task, that eventually you would become and expert at that task.  15 minutes a day, on something you enjoy often turns into a much longer period of time.  Musicians show us the end result of many thousands of hours of practice. The same goes for athletes, chefs, scientists, etc.  The sad truth is that most of us spend hours each day unfocused on mindless television, pointless video games, and pursuing our love of fast food. I challenge you again, to take the risk and show the courage to thrive.

A lot has been made of being in the moment. Perhaps overused to the point of losing it’s powerful message. Maybe we do not have a special skill, or talent. Maybe our goal is to participate in the mundane, perfectly. Many hours spent in the garden most often turns into a flower wonderland. The accumulation of our focused effort can have spectacular results. By being in the moment, applying focused effort, we have goals. And the closer to those goals we get. A marathon is run one step at a time. A castle can be built one brick at a time. A symphony can be composed on note at a time. When we do these things we create our moments to shine.

Jake Shimabukuro takes us on a sonic journey through his dedication and focus. He spent countless 15 minute sessions, or dare I say hours, to accomplish his goal of filling the world with beautiful music for our enjoyment. He is an example of what any of us can do if we put our minds to it. With just four strings he can captivate an audience and fill the room with his focus. What will you do today to improve your life? What will you do with 15 minutes each day? How will you develop goals to thrive in your life, not just survive?

I think I may just go buy a Ukulele and begin to learn how to play.

Physical pain. Mental anguish. Emotional suffering. Spiritual angst. Most people recoil from pain as a self-protective measure from actual or potential damage. And yet the truth of life is that it is filled with a wide variety of unavoidable pain.  To seek a life free from all pain is unrealistic.

Today I went to the dentist, a trip I have been avoiding, because of pain.  A couple of cavities needed drilling and filling. Probably as a result of my late night snacking and a sweet tooth.  The pain anticipated was actual pain as well as the shame of not behaving myself. I was embarrassed.

We all have to go to the dentist from time to time, and I can think of no other profession in which regardless of how nice a person you are, people fear you. Most of us endure the discomfort knowing that it is usually over in less than an hour and we will not have to go back for another six months or so.  In our daily lives, we often will do almost anything to avoid pain.

This is a truism in the psychological world: Humans seek pleasure over pain. Even when it appears that a person is choosing an obvious pain, somewhere in their head, the alternative is more painful or there is some sort of secondary gain. Going the gym, working out, or running are activities that for most people are difficult and painful. “No pain, no gain,” is the mantra. So why do people voluntarily choose this pain? Because the pleasure of a tone and fit body, is the reward. Even sometimes the pain and discomfort itself can trigger natural pain relievers and rewards in our brain called endorphins. And yes they can be addicting.  The runner’s “high” is a prime example of this internal reward for engaging in the pain.

The same can be said of emotional pain seeking. Many people engage in seemingly self damaging behavior such as drug/alcohol abuse, dropping out of school, dismantling personal relationships, overeating, etc. To me these signs say that the person is seeking to escape their emotional pain. Temorary escape all to often leads to other, more serious side effects. As humans we engage in these defense mechanisms because we believe that we are took weak to handle dealing with our deepest fears. You are more powerful than you think.

Back to the dentist.  I very much dislike pain. So much so, that I will work very hard to avoid it if possible. My dentist is still quite amused that I refuse to use Novocain when he is doing dental work on me. Two cavities drilled and filled today with no Novocain! In my thinking, the Novocain shot is very painful. And it continues to hurt for 1 to 2 days afterwards. So when I measure the quantity and severity of the pain I must endure, a quick drill and fill is the lesser of two pains.  Don’t get me wrong, it still hurts, a lot! But I have learned over the years to practice meditation and distraction techniques.  Some people think I am crazy. But I have discovered two secrets.

1. The pain of now is almost always less than the pain of later.

2. Our reaction to pain often causes more damage in the long run than enduring the pain of now.

Another story. I once had a cat that loved to stalk me. As I would sit on the sofa watching TV, I could see him lurking in the corner of the room waiting to pounce on my hand dangling off the edge of the couch. Sure enough, like a bolt of lightning he would dash and pounce.  YEEOUCH!  His claws dug into my hand and my automatic reaction was to pull away forcefully. As you may know, a cat’s claws are curved like fish hooks, so as the prey struggles to get away, they dig deeper and deeper. So here I am cursing the cat as my arm has several 6 to 10 inch long claw marks bleeding profusely.

This scenario repeated itself several times as I tried in vain to have reflexes quicker than the cat. Foolish human.  One day I realized that it was my reaction to the painful stimulus that was causing me to inflict such painful damage on myself! The next living room safari would be different.  As the stealthy and able feline, pounced upon my dangling hand…I froze. Sure there was some sharpness from the claws. Not pleasant, but not the searing pain I had known before. By controlling my reaction to the stimulus, I had prevented the unnecessary escalation of the pain.

Imagine the various pains we feel through life. If we could control our reactions to pain, we could prevent the unnecessary escalation of pain. If we can avoid hiding from our emotional pain, then we could eliminate the years of subconscious torture. The drug and alcohol induced escape from our emotional angst only prolongs the devastation. The denial of our grief and bottling up our feelings can prolong the feelings of pain for decades.

Sometimes feeling the pain, right here and now is exactly what we are supposed to do. Sometimes there is no healthy escape because we are supposed to feel it. Dealing with the various pains of our life in an honest healthy way actually does make us stronger. It makes us human. Human enough to have empathy for others and for ourselves. Wisdom does not come from a life of luxury and perfection. It comes from living a real life filled with mean teachers, unfair bosses, cruel lovers, dental visits and unruly cats.

Having the courage to thrive means to be able to overcome the obstacles that are an inevitability of life. Feeling the pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. What? How can that be true? Because our response to pain is almost entirely under our control. Examples abound of those who train their minds and bodies to survive in difficult environments. Members of the Navy Seals undergo profound training that helps them endure discomfort, and pain to achieve their goals. Buddhist monks develop their minds and focus to eliminate pain as a source of distraction and to allow the body to naturally heal. Elite athletes put pain out of their minds in order to will a marathon, Tour de France, or set world records for depth dives in the ocean.

Of course pain can also be severe enough to indicate critical damage. I would not hesitate to take the pain blockers and meds if I were having a root canal or wisdom teeth pulled! One has to be aware enough to know when the pain is an indicator that essential damage has or will occur and seek professional help from these miracle workers. Having the courage to know when you cannot handle the pain on your own is important. Do not allow your ego to cause even more damage by not seeking out appropriate help.

Medical doctors handle the physical damage. Clergy and pastoral care can handle the Spiritual pain. Mental health professionals such as myself, focus on the mental and emotional pain that results from the mind becoming overwhelmed. Please engage in a program of personal development. By doing so, you have the power to overcome life’s greatest obstacles with dignity, free from excessive pain. Have the courage to abandon the distractions, avoid over reacting to pain. Seeking to live a life free from all pain is unrealistic. But to relieve oneself from suffering is well within your grasp. Have the courage to thrive!

I have been resisting writing about this topic for some time, mostly because it is difficult, painful, and awkward. Suicide is the exact opposite of thriving. It is giving up on life when the rest of us wish to maximize our life. This is why it is so difficult to understand. Lately, in our community we have had a disproportionate number of teen suicides. Our community is reeling from the devastation. We struggle to understand why, these young people filled with so much potential, would take their own lives in a fit of despair.

As a psychologist, I have the textbook answers about loss of hope, depression, anxiety, and the teenage existential dilemmas. However, I also posses first hand knowledge and understanding of this desperate state of the human condition. You see, I was a suicidal teen, and just when I thought my life could not get any worse, my younger brother took his own life.

The year was 1987 a couple of months before my 22^nd birthday. For the previous couple of years following graduation from high school, I was killing myself with drugs. I was drowning in alcohol. Surrounded by friends who were worried to death about me but couldn’t make a dent. I wanted to die. In my fractured mind, there was no hope. There was so reason, no meaning in my life. I was lost. The depths of pain were indescribable.  Unless you have known this black hole, there is no real understanding.

I was mostly functioning, I had a girlfriend (not a very good one), had a jobs (frequently laid off), laughed with my friends, enjoyed music, and partied hard. Most people thought I was doing well, and yet deep down it was all a lie. I felt utterly alone surrounded by family and friends. I had a failed suicide attempt, which made me feel even worse, if that was possible. I was such a loser, I couldn’t even kill my self without screwing up. I had the reverse Midas touch. Everything I touched turned to crap. Just when I thought that my life couldn’t get any worse. Just when I thought I was going to snap…

It was a Sunday morning January 18^th, 1987. As I walked up to my parent’s house, many of my cousins and friends were in the driveway. The informed me that my younger brother, Joey, had died. A self-inflicted gunshot wound. He was just 20 years old. The shock was devastating. I screamed at the top of my lungs, the sound of ultimate suffering. Then my mind went blank. Most of the next few days are lost to me. I really don’t remember much. There was the funeral, there was a wake, I lost my job again. Lost in a sea of pain that I thought would never end. I wanted to die. But I saw how much pain my family was in. I couldn’t do that to them again. Two suicides would just be beyond my imagination. I was stuck without a way out.

One day, I realized that I too was going to die. Not just someday, perhaps today, but definitely soon. I felt the molecules of my body start to lose their atomic bond. I finally got it. I finally found myself wanting to live. But I needed purpose, I needed meaning. I quit drugs, stopped abusing alcohol, and began the long difficult path of rebuilding my life. Searching for meaning, many adventures and many trials later. I emerged with a mission to become a psychologist. But I wanted to be the kind of shrink that I or my brother could have talked to. Someone who gets it. I hope that I am that guy. Still working on self-improvement and probably always will.

Through the course of my career as a psychologist, I have worked with some of the most damaged, difficult, and hopeless cases. I have also had the pleasure to work with many individuals who just happen to be in a tight spot. It is fair to say, that most teens struggle mightily with their existential dilemmas. Yet each teen gets through it because of their unique blend of skills, and support. What they want the most is, some understanding from others that they are in pain. They want the adults in their lives to give them hope, not judgment.

Working with teenagers is sometimes kind of like hugging a porcupine. They can be quite prickly but under all those spines, is a soft, kind, vulnerable person who deserves the best we can give them. The “why” of teen depression and loss of hope is partly a condition of being a teen with half your brain tied behind your back. The young mind is not capable of fully integrating the knowledge and skills that have indeed been learned. The decision portion of the brain doesn’t fully develop until age 24 or 25 years of age.

The other “why” is pressure. Teens are under such intense pressure that it is no wonder they show such dramatic behavior and outbursts.  School pressure is usually number one. Pressure to succeed. Pressure to be cool, to be sexy, to be funny, to be good, to be bad, pressure to form their individual identity. Becoming an individual and define oneself is difficult under the best of circumstances. But in today’s society we do not form ourselves in private. We form ourselves in the public eye, at school, by texting, on the internet, social media, etc. This is the kind of pressure that can crack an otherwise stable individual. So what are we to do?

The first thing for adults to do is to pay attention to their children, or anyone for that matter who appears to be depressed or out of sorts. The rate of teen depression and anxiety combined is about  30%.  the rate of other mental illness’ such as bi-polar disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, and emerging scizophrenia adds up to about 4 in 10 teens deal with a serious emotional disturbance before they become adults. This is a vulnerable population that deserves support and appropriate treatment. Of course I am biased because of my profession but I believe that every teen should spend some time in self reflection with a qualified therapist. Life is a difficult journey and we would all do well to learn some life skills from a professional.

There are several conditions which lead to suicide which we be aware of and take action. Means, Motive, and Opportunity. We may or may not be able to do much about motive. A young mind can create motive for themselves. However, we can reduce the means available. There really is no reason for a teen to have access to a firearm unsupervised. Ever. Lock up or dispose of all medications, prescription or over the counter. Just do it. Don’t argue. And lastly, we can reduce the opportunities by not leaving the affected teen alone. It may sound like a daunting task and very inconvenient but they cannot kill themselves if they do not have the opportunity.

Teens who are depressed, anxious, and/or suicidal cannot see, into the future. They have no experience in survival of life’s trials. They cannot see through the pain and endure until happier times. Nothing stays the same, not even the bad times. We must inform them of that fact, and even if they do not believe in relief, we do. We can hold the belief for them. We can hold the hope for them. Hope is the antidote to despair. Where there is hope, there is the opportunity to thrive.

I call this blog “The Courage to Thrive” because I believe that we muster our courage in order to truly thrive. To forge ahead in the face of adversity. Life is filled with diminishing moments. Our courage to pursue happiness, to pursue a life the shines is what pulls us through. We must lead our young by example, show them how we have the courage to thrive. And hold the hope for them. Let them know that they are worth our time and investment. Keep them close even if it feels like you are hugging a porcupine.

I am normally loathe to speak of politics. To spend time trying to convince someone who disagrees with you of your opinion is mostly a waste. To spend time conversing about the issues with someone who already agrees with you is pointless. All too often politics makes for hurt feelings and occasional enemies of our family and friends.  Sometimes we find camraderie in people we never knew we had anything in common with.

On various social media, the political ranting has already started. For some, it has been entertaining to watch the candidates of the same party tear into each other, but soon enough it will come down to conservatives vs. liberals and very mean spirited attacks on each other. This good vs. evil approach to political debate has always made me feel a bit sick to my stomach, like watching hobos in a fist fight.

I have my opinions.  But I have no desire to convice others that my political opinion is the most correct. As I check my email inbox and Facebook updates, I find many, many politically themed posts.  All of the retoric is about simplistic points and idealism which rarely translate to true cause, and true change.  Don’t get me wrong, there are many political ads, slogans, metaphors, and quips that are quite hilarious and/or right on point. What gets me, is that people who I feel quite comfortable with occasionally share a political viewpoint that is somewhat jarring to my perception of them.

Having differing political views than your family and friends can be quite stimulating. Engaging in an intellectual debate as to the merrit or folly of a particular point can lead to futher exploration and sometimes a solution or change of opinion.  But what I more often see is two hardline approaches that challenge each other to a word based, name calling, sword clashing battle that ends with hurt feelings and ruined relationships. Wouldn’t it be nice to consider that there is more than one solution to a problem and perhaps that people who think differently than you do are indeed good people too?

Will Rogers was/is one of my favorite philosophers. He was a lover of politics but from the stand point of being a virulent critic.  He believed that we could do great things but the political ambitions of individuals and parties derailed the process. My favorite political quote from him is as follows:

We all feel overwhelmed from time to time. Sometimes we use the phrase, “ever have one of those days?”  So many times I want to change that phrase to, “ever have one of those lives?” The daily grind can accumulate a tremendous amount of pressure which can paralize us. This environmental, social, mental paralysis can become procrastination of epic proportions.  So much so that we are completely overwhelmed. Even the littlest things can seem like they take too much effort.

My personal experience as well as in my private practice has taught me that it is the individual perspective that matters here. People try to be helpful by offering solutions, even actual help with said projects and responsibilities. However, it is the person who is afflicted, they have lost hope. They have lost courage.

Homework, housework, bills to be paid, yardwork, dog poop to pick up, lose weight, eat better, exercise, letters to be written, phone calls, emails, dinner to cook, clothes to wash, people to see, reports to turn in, and on, and on, and on, and on! The list can seem endless. Most people see the mountain of chores and responsibilities as insurmountable. They fall into despair. And every day the mountain gets bigger. So big the lost of hope turns to helplessness and depression.

I have seen certain animals eat things bigger than one would thing possible. Snakes for instance, can unhinge their jaw to swallow prey bigger than their head! Humans, not so much. I have never once witnessed a human unhinge their jaw and swallow an entire bunch of grapes in one bite. But…I have seen humans eat an entire bunch of grapes, one at a time.

I call this strategy, debunching, which I often recommend to my clients. By taking it one grape at a time we can debunch our overwhelming tasks. Life is a process. One thing at a time. One step at a time. Whatever our responsibilities or our goals, we can accomplish great things if we debunch the problems and take it one grape at a time.

We don’t need the couage to climb the whole mountain, we only need the courage to take one step. We don’t need to eat the whole bunch in one bite, we only need the courage to eat one grape at a time. That is the courage to thrive.

So take a deep breath, and have a grape.