Depression is, to many, an unfathomable experience. They just do not understand the dark hole that those of us who suffer can plummet into. They get that there are life experiences that can contribute to sadness. They get that an accumulation of events can bring someone down. But they do not get the depth of the darkness.

By definition, depression is a level of sadness out of proportion to the triggering events. In many cases, depression rears its ugly head without any triggering event. In fact, it is a disease, a mental disorder. Consider this: According to the Archives of General Psychiatry, lifetime prevalence rates for any kind of mental disorder are 46% in the United States. That means that nearly half of us, at some point in our lives will meet the criteria for a mental disorder. Almost all types of emotional/mental disturbances possess a component of depression. Most of the time the episode is condition specific and short lived. It is amazing that we do not have more people engaging in the support and growth opportunities of therapy. It could be that our culture still defines mental/emotional issues as a weakness. Add to that the more than half the population that never have or will have an issue that is diagnosable, we have a lot of bias and shame involved.

A friend from high school recently posted an amazing quote from her seven year old. “If it’s raining only on you, it looks like it’s raining on everyone else too because you’re looking at them through your rain.”  This wonderful observation is indicative of how perspective rules our life experiences. What is so wonderful about being human is that we ultimately have a choice. A choice to change our perspective.

Other people, when in a depressed state, seem to think they are the only one depressed. That the rest of the world has no troubles, and that life is treating those others with sunshine and rainbows. When in fact, the vast majority of us suffer an endless stream of life challenges. What separates the depressed person from the rest, is perspective. Occasionally, it can be helpful to see that others do have it worse than we do. We can be lifted a bit out of our depression by the awareness that people all around us have more difficult challenges than we do. This is summed up in the old adage, “I lamented that I had no shoes, until I met a man that had no feet.” This past year, I have had several people in my life forced to deal with cancer. When I think about it, my pulled Achilles tendon and mild heart burn pale by comparison.

Suffering cannot be compared. Each person suffers and deals with their depression in a unique way. Suffering can be described thusly; Imagine two glasses filled with crystal clear, cool mountain spring water. Into the first one we put an ounce of blue ink. It swirls and colors the water to make it undrinkable. Into the second glass we put 6 drops of blue ink. It swirls and colors the water to make it undrinkable. In each case the ink colors the entire glass of water much as suffering colors and fills our lives.  Yes, someone who has been shot suffers more quantity of pain than the person who stubs their toe on a coffee table. But the person with the stubbed toe still has to go around all day with a throbbing toe.

Imagine two people standing on the shoreline of the Pacific Ocean. Sunset fades in a show of colors as the last light dances off the shimmering waves. The first person takes a deep breath as the sun at last sinks below the horizon, feeling as though she has looked into the eye of God. The second person turns away, unimpressed, feeling annoyed that the day has come to an end. Perspective. No one can give it to us. It is an internal thing. In my experience with depression, it is perspective that changes everything. Yes, there are pills that can lighten the load, but nothing ever really changes. Therapy can be very effective in helping a person to change their perspective, but so can a good book, a great sermon, or even a sunset. We have to make ourselves open to a change in perspective.

Don’t sweat the people in your life that don’t get it. They may never get it. Our private hell is just that, private. Cultivate people in your life who do get it. Talk with others that can support you through the dark times. And when you are doing well, share the joy with others. Giving, from our heart to those in need, is one of the highest forms of altruism. Finding the courage to thrive is most difficult when depression robs us of motivation and hope. Allow someone you trust to hold the hope for you for a little while. You do not have to justify to anyone why you are depressed. You do have to find within yourself the courage to thrive. It’s all about perspective.

How many of us really ever focus? Focus on the task at hand? Perhaps focus our energies to accomplish a profound goal? So much of life is just getting through. Survive the day’s tasks and challenges. We spend enormous amounts of energy attempting to make ourselves comfortable. We struggle to decide what to eat, what to wear, where to go.  We do battle on the freeway to find the perfect lane, we switch channels on the radio every 2 minutes in a vain attempt to find the best song or talk show that reflects only our values. Why must we get home at the end of the day feeling like we have just barely survived another day. We live at the edge of disaster and survival. When do we get to shine?

Last night I had the supreme pleasure of seeing Jake Shimabukuro, master Ukulele player, live at the Canyon Club. He played to a packed crowd, standing room only. Just Jake, and his beautiful Ukulele. I couldn’t help but be amazed that with just four strings, he could captivate a huge audience. An audience waiting to be amazed. He held the audience spellbound with his unique interpretations of originals and cover songs. We were witness to a human thriving right before our eyes. His gift to us, a sonic journey as the music moved us emotionally. I couldn’t help but notice, that the music moved him too. If you have never heard of him or his music, click this youtube link right now. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=puSkP3uym5k I will wait for you to return.

(whistling softly to self) Oh you are back?  Good.  Can you believe how good this guy is?

It was a perfect demonstration of focus. During the concert, Jake would banter and story tell between each song, but as he began to play he would take a deep breathe, eyes closed, and enter the zone just as his fingers began their magic dance. Like a samurai drawing his sword with deliberate swiftness, like a potter concentrating on the emerging vase at his wheel, like a basketball player shooting his perfect three pointer, he applied his entire focus to the task at hand.

I make the case, that in order to move beyond just surviving, we must have the courage to thrive.  The courage to engage in the effort it takes to become brilliant at something. To find a purpose to our existence, beyond mere survival. We may never rise to the amazing levels of admired musicians, athletes, martial artists, poets, or captains of industry. However, we must engage our lives with the attempt to be amazing. Perfection is unattainable, but in the pursuit we find meaning.

Marianne Williamson in her poem, “A Return to Love,” challenges us with these words.

” …who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine…”

We all have talent. Talents that get rusty from misuse. Our excuse is that we don’t have the time to practice. We don’t have time or the energy because of the Herculean tasks of survival. We say to ourselves; “If only I could remove these barriers to my success, I could be great, but, I am a victim of circumstance, so I can’t”  An old saying: “If you believe you can’t, then you are right.”  And yet, we all recognize that we do have talent. We could be good at something. Why not take the chance? Because in taking that chance, to apply oneself to improvement, weather it is music, cooking, athletics, academic thought, poetry, art, science, gardening, anything, we can find our deeper selves. We can thrive.

I challenge you to take the risk. Yes, I am aware that not everyone of us has a hidden supreme talent, but isn’t it worth the effort to maximize those talents we do have? I read somewhere many years ago that if you spent 15 minutes a day on any focused task, that eventually you would become and expert at that task.  15 minutes a day, on something you enjoy often turns into a much longer period of time.  Musicians show us the end result of many thousands of hours of practice. The same goes for athletes, chefs, scientists, etc.  The sad truth is that most of us spend hours each day unfocused on mindless television, pointless video games, and pursuing our love of fast food. I challenge you again, to take the risk and show the courage to thrive.

A lot has been made of being in the moment. Perhaps overused to the point of losing it’s powerful message. Maybe we do not have a special skill, or talent. Maybe our goal is to participate in the mundane, perfectly. Many hours spent in the garden most often turns into a flower wonderland. The accumulation of our focused effort can have spectacular results. By being in the moment, applying focused effort, we have goals. And the closer to those goals we get. A marathon is run one step at a time. A castle can be built one brick at a time. A symphony can be composed on note at a time. When we do these things we create our moments to shine.

Jake Shimabukuro takes us on a sonic journey through his dedication and focus. He spent countless 15 minute sessions, or dare I say hours, to accomplish his goal of filling the world with beautiful music for our enjoyment. He is an example of what any of us can do if we put our minds to it. With just four strings he can captivate an audience and fill the room with his focus. What will you do today to improve your life? What will you do with 15 minutes each day? How will you develop goals to thrive in your life, not just survive?

I think I may just go buy a Ukulele and begin to learn how to play.

Physical pain. Mental anguish. Emotional suffering. Spiritual angst. Most people recoil from pain as a self-protective measure from actual or potential damage. And yet the truth of life is that it is filled with a wide variety of unavoidable pain.  To seek a life free from all pain is unrealistic.

Today I went to the dentist, a trip I have been avoiding, because of pain.  A couple of cavities needed drilling and filling. Probably as a result of my late night snacking and a sweet tooth.  The pain anticipated was actual pain as well as the shame of not behaving myself. I was embarrassed.

We all have to go to the dentist from time to time, and I can think of no other profession in which regardless of how nice a person you are, people fear you. Most of us endure the discomfort knowing that it is usually over in less than an hour and we will not have to go back for another six months or so.  In our daily lives, we often will do almost anything to avoid pain.

This is a truism in the psychological world: Humans seek pleasure over pain. Even when it appears that a person is choosing an obvious pain, somewhere in their head, the alternative is more painful or there is some sort of secondary gain. Going the gym, working out, or running are activities that for most people are difficult and painful. “No pain, no gain,” is the mantra. So why do people voluntarily choose this pain? Because the pleasure of a tone and fit body, is the reward. Even sometimes the pain and discomfort itself can trigger natural pain relievers and rewards in our brain called endorphins. And yes they can be addicting.  The runner’s “high” is a prime example of this internal reward for engaging in the pain.

The same can be said of emotional pain seeking. Many people engage in seemingly self damaging behavior such as drug/alcohol abuse, dropping out of school, dismantling personal relationships, overeating, etc. To me these signs say that the person is seeking to escape their emotional pain. Temorary escape all to often leads to other, more serious side effects. As humans we engage in these defense mechanisms because we believe that we are took weak to handle dealing with our deepest fears. You are more powerful than you think.

Back to the dentist.  I very much dislike pain. So much so, that I will work very hard to avoid it if possible. My dentist is still quite amused that I refuse to use Novocain when he is doing dental work on me. Two cavities drilled and filled today with no Novocain! In my thinking, the Novocain shot is very painful. And it continues to hurt for 1 to 2 days afterwards. So when I measure the quantity and severity of the pain I must endure, a quick drill and fill is the lesser of two pains.  Don’t get me wrong, it still hurts, a lot! But I have learned over the years to practice meditation and distraction techniques.  Some people think I am crazy. But I have discovered two secrets.

1. The pain of now is almost always less than the pain of later.

2. Our reaction to pain often causes more damage in the long run than enduring the pain of now.

Another story. I once had a cat that loved to stalk me. As I would sit on the sofa watching TV, I could see him lurking in the corner of the room waiting to pounce on my hand dangling off the edge of the couch. Sure enough, like a bolt of lightning he would dash and pounce.  YEEOUCH!  His claws dug into my hand and my automatic reaction was to pull away forcefully. As you may know, a cat’s claws are curved like fish hooks, so as the prey struggles to get away, they dig deeper and deeper. So here I am cursing the cat as my arm has several 6 to 10 inch long claw marks bleeding profusely.

This scenario repeated itself several times as I tried in vain to have reflexes quicker than the cat. Foolish human.  One day I realized that it was my reaction to the painful stimulus that was causing me to inflict such painful damage on myself! The next living room safari would be different.  As the stealthy and able feline, pounced upon my dangling hand…I froze. Sure there was some sharpness from the claws. Not pleasant, but not the searing pain I had known before. By controlling my reaction to the stimulus, I had prevented the unnecessary escalation of the pain.

Imagine the various pains we feel through life. If we could control our reactions to pain, we could prevent the unnecessary escalation of pain. If we can avoid hiding from our emotional pain, then we could eliminate the years of subconscious torture. The drug and alcohol induced escape from our emotional angst only prolongs the devastation. The denial of our grief and bottling up our feelings can prolong the feelings of pain for decades.

Sometimes feeling the pain, right here and now is exactly what we are supposed to do. Sometimes there is no healthy escape because we are supposed to feel it. Dealing with the various pains of our life in an honest healthy way actually does make us stronger. It makes us human. Human enough to have empathy for others and for ourselves. Wisdom does not come from a life of luxury and perfection. It comes from living a real life filled with mean teachers, unfair bosses, cruel lovers, dental visits and unruly cats.

Having the courage to thrive means to be able to overcome the obstacles that are an inevitability of life. Feeling the pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. What? How can that be true? Because our response to pain is almost entirely under our control. Examples abound of those who train their minds and bodies to survive in difficult environments. Members of the Navy Seals undergo profound training that helps them endure discomfort, and pain to achieve their goals. Buddhist monks develop their minds and focus to eliminate pain as a source of distraction and to allow the body to naturally heal. Elite athletes put pain out of their minds in order to will a marathon, Tour de France, or set world records for depth dives in the ocean.

Of course pain can also be severe enough to indicate critical damage. I would not hesitate to take the pain blockers and meds if I were having a root canal or wisdom teeth pulled! One has to be aware enough to know when the pain is an indicator that essential damage has or will occur and seek professional help from these miracle workers. Having the courage to know when you cannot handle the pain on your own is important. Do not allow your ego to cause even more damage by not seeking out appropriate help.

Medical doctors handle the physical damage. Clergy and pastoral care can handle the Spiritual pain. Mental health professionals such as myself, focus on the mental and emotional pain that results from the mind becoming overwhelmed. Please engage in a program of personal development. By doing so, you have the power to overcome life’s greatest obstacles with dignity, free from excessive pain. Have the courage to abandon the distractions, avoid over reacting to pain. Seeking to live a life free from all pain is unrealistic. But to relieve oneself from suffering is well within your grasp. Have the courage to thrive!

I have been resisting writing about this topic for some time, mostly because it is difficult, painful, and awkward. Suicide is the exact opposite of thriving. It is giving up on life when the rest of us wish to maximize our life. This is why it is so difficult to understand. Lately, in our community we have had a disproportionate number of teen suicides. Our community is reeling from the devastation. We struggle to understand why, these young people filled with so much potential, would take their own lives in a fit of despair.

As a psychologist, I have the textbook answers about loss of hope, depression, anxiety, and the teenage existential dilemmas. However, I also posses first hand knowledge and understanding of this desperate state of the human condition. You see, I was a suicidal teen, and just when I thought my life could not get any worse, my younger brother took his own life.

The year was 1987 a couple of months before my 22^nd birthday. For the previous couple of years following graduation from high school, I was killing myself with drugs. I was drowning in alcohol. Surrounded by friends who were worried to death about me but couldn’t make a dent. I wanted to die. In my fractured mind, there was no hope. There was so reason, no meaning in my life. I was lost. The depths of pain were indescribable.  Unless you have known this black hole, there is no real understanding.

I was mostly functioning, I had a girlfriend (not a very good one), had a jobs (frequently laid off), laughed with my friends, enjoyed music, and partied hard. Most people thought I was doing well, and yet deep down it was all a lie. I felt utterly alone surrounded by family and friends. I had a failed suicide attempt, which made me feel even worse, if that was possible. I was such a loser, I couldn’t even kill my self without screwing up. I had the reverse Midas touch. Everything I touched turned to crap. Just when I thought that my life couldn’t get any worse. Just when I thought I was going to snap…

It was a Sunday morning January 18^th, 1987. As I walked up to my parent’s house, many of my cousins and friends were in the driveway. The informed me that my younger brother, Joey, had died. A self-inflicted gunshot wound. He was just 20 years old. The shock was devastating. I screamed at the top of my lungs, the sound of ultimate suffering. Then my mind went blank. Most of the next few days are lost to me. I really don’t remember much. There was the funeral, there was a wake, I lost my job again. Lost in a sea of pain that I thought would never end. I wanted to die. But I saw how much pain my family was in. I couldn’t do that to them again. Two suicides would just be beyond my imagination. I was stuck without a way out.

One day, I realized that I too was going to die. Not just someday, perhaps today, but definitely soon. I felt the molecules of my body start to lose their atomic bond. I finally got it. I finally found myself wanting to live. But I needed purpose, I needed meaning. I quit drugs, stopped abusing alcohol, and began the long difficult path of rebuilding my life. Searching for meaning, many adventures and many trials later. I emerged with a mission to become a psychologist. But I wanted to be the kind of shrink that I or my brother could have talked to. Someone who gets it. I hope that I am that guy. Still working on self-improvement and probably always will.

Through the course of my career as a psychologist, I have worked with some of the most damaged, difficult, and hopeless cases. I have also had the pleasure to work with many individuals who just happen to be in a tight spot. It is fair to say, that most teens struggle mightily with their existential dilemmas. Yet each teen gets through it because of their unique blend of skills, and support. What they want the most is, some understanding from others that they are in pain. They want the adults in their lives to give them hope, not judgment.

Working with teenagers is sometimes kind of like hugging a porcupine. They can be quite prickly but under all those spines, is a soft, kind, vulnerable person who deserves the best we can give them. The “why” of teen depression and loss of hope is partly a condition of being a teen with half your brain tied behind your back. The young mind is not capable of fully integrating the knowledge and skills that have indeed been learned. The decision portion of the brain doesn’t fully develop until age 24 or 25 years of age.

The other “why” is pressure. Teens are under such intense pressure that it is no wonder they show such dramatic behavior and outbursts.  School pressure is usually number one. Pressure to succeed. Pressure to be cool, to be sexy, to be funny, to be good, to be bad, pressure to form their individual identity. Becoming an individual and define oneself is difficult under the best of circumstances. But in today’s society we do not form ourselves in private. We form ourselves in the public eye, at school, by texting, on the internet, social media, etc. This is the kind of pressure that can crack an otherwise stable individual. So what are we to do?

The first thing for adults to do is to pay attention to their children, or anyone for that matter who appears to be depressed or out of sorts. The rate of teen depression and anxiety combined is about  30%.  the rate of other mental illness’ such as bi-polar disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, and emerging scizophrenia adds up to about 4 in 10 teens deal with a serious emotional disturbance before they become adults. This is a vulnerable population that deserves support and appropriate treatment. Of course I am biased because of my profession but I believe that every teen should spend some time in self reflection with a qualified therapist. Life is a difficult journey and we would all do well to learn some life skills from a professional.

There are several conditions which lead to suicide which we be aware of and take action. Means, Motive, and Opportunity. We may or may not be able to do much about motive. A young mind can create motive for themselves. However, we can reduce the means available. There really is no reason for a teen to have access to a firearm unsupervised. Ever. Lock up or dispose of all medications, prescription or over the counter. Just do it. Don’t argue. And lastly, we can reduce the opportunities by not leaving the affected teen alone. It may sound like a daunting task and very inconvenient but they cannot kill themselves if they do not have the opportunity.

Teens who are depressed, anxious, and/or suicidal cannot see, into the future. They have no experience in survival of life’s trials. They cannot see through the pain and endure until happier times. Nothing stays the same, not even the bad times. We must inform them of that fact, and even if they do not believe in relief, we do. We can hold the belief for them. We can hold the hope for them. Hope is the antidote to despair. Where there is hope, there is the opportunity to thrive.

I call this blog “The Courage to Thrive” because I believe that we muster our courage in order to truly thrive. To forge ahead in the face of adversity. Life is filled with diminishing moments. Our courage to pursue happiness, to pursue a life the shines is what pulls us through. We must lead our young by example, show them how we have the courage to thrive. And hold the hope for them. Let them know that they are worth our time and investment. Keep them close even if it feels like you are hugging a porcupine.